In the Land of Hyrule, the Hero of Time had defeated the evil presence of the Gerudo King, Ganondorf. The victory of Linky had brought prosperity and hope back to the people and all was once as it was in better days. The charred ruins of the Hyrule Castle Town were rebuilt under a new era of peace, under the leadership of Queen Zelda. Linky, the Hero of Time, revealed the secret fact that they were brother and sister, and without knowing who was older, they could not decide who should be the ruler. They eventually realised that the only way to settle the dispute and find a leader was to play Rock Paper Scissors, best of three, and the winner would rule Hyrule. As Impa prophesied, Linky, being a man, only managed to think of the rock, so that was all he chose. After the first round, Zelda realised this and changed from scissors to choose paper twice and become queen. In another part of the land, the great Gerudo Queens were having a dispute of their own. This dispute was a much more important and complicated one. They had the unfortunate duty of having to decide on their favourite Buffy episode for a questionnaire they had received. At first they thought the task would prove easy, but they failed to remember how much they enjoyed arguing. The task would take up days' worth of discussion, a blessing really, as the Gerudo Valley was a very quiet place, where nothing much ever happens. There were talks among the Gerudo thieves of civil war, and they all had arranged themselves into opposing factions, ready for when the queens would announce the outbreak of war. But, unfortunately for the thieves, the Queens agreed that The Gift was pretty good, even though Nazbooru preferred The Prom and Izbooru preferred, well, any episode with Spike in. The poor thieves, having arranged themselves and prepared themselves for all the hair pulling and name calling that would ensue, were forced to return to their boring routine of guarding and talking about The Hero of Time. He was the only male they had ever seen apart from Ganondorf, whom it was forbidden to talk about, and those stupid gay carpenters, who were not worthy of talking about, unless they were comparing their dancing skills to those of the Goron king, Darunia. They often heard that their Queens had played tunes to the goron just to tease him by making him dance to that hot beat know to us as Saria�s song.

The Zora kingdom had begun to melt. This was a very slow process, welcomed by the Zora, who had seeked refuge in Lake Hylia. Linky made his way there to unfortunately fulfil his promise of marriage to Queen Ruto. She was half Zora, half fish, and Linky found her very arrogant. He remembered her as a child, when she refused his help, then demanded it, before bossing him around. He prayed to the Golden Goddesses that she had matured. The idea of marrying a bossy boots terrified him, as the Zora don't have divorce lawyers, or courts, or, well anything to do with marriage and divorce. He wondered how they would marry, then decided that was too painful an idea to think about. He was 17, too young for marriage or any kind of responsibility. But, he was obliged. He wasn't quite sure what this word meant but he knew it wasn't pleasant. Nevertheless, he entered the Zora kingdom, only to find to his horror, the sound of meltwater dripping. He suddenly needed to relieve himself, and finding a lack of urinals in the kingdom, decided the only thing he could do was do what he did in his Kokiri swimming lessons, and pee in the pool. He felt bad but relieved. He suddenly realised, if he lived here, the dripping would take years, and he'd be peeing for the rest of his life. With this in mind, he rapidly turned to leave, but on leaving the Zoras he saw......Queen Ruto herself. She asked if he had come to marry her, and he ummmed and ahhhhed until she said, "Please forgive me. I know how much you want to marry me, as I am so beautiful and a Queen and I am fishlike, but you will have to take your broken heart, and find another. I have fallen in love with a beautiful young man, who has asked me to marry him." So Linky felt thankful beyond his wildest dreams, but had to act disappointed to please the smug arrogant fish standing infront of him. She continued, "Because of all the heartache I am bound to cause you, I have decided to give you a present. A little something to say how sorry I am. So here is this tunic, in place of your blue one, you may have this Japanese Kimono. You will definitely need its magical powers to make you irresistible to everyone. That way, the loss of my hand in marriage will seem less great to you." Linky was starting to get extremely annoyed with Ruto but decided that the kimono would be a useful item of clothing. At first he thought it would make him look a bit sissy, but then thought that anything was better than those girly tunics. He was about to put it on, but then thought that Ruto might be attracted to him, so he thought he'd better not. As much as the idea of being attractive to a fish made him curious, he was terrified into thanking her hastily and retreating to the safety of Zora's River.

Once outside the Zora Kingdom, Linky put on the kimono and became Kinky Linky. He suddenly thought of something that horrified him. WHO IN HYRULE WOULD LOVE RUTO? The very idea of someone being in love with a fish made him want to vomit. He decided that maybe it was better for him not to think about it and hope it was a Zora. Anyway, he now had more important things to do with his time and more importantly, his new kimono. He wanted to try it out. Now.... where are there a large number of females? Not in Death Mountain, oh dear golden goddess no. Those all male bear hugging gay gorons are too risky, better steer clear. Kakariko village? Not many females there, and I sure hope that windmill guy is a guy or I'd be in trouble. The females in Kokiri forest are too young, not it mental age but physical appearance, it would be too weird to be attractive to a group of girls. No... where else could I go, oh I could see Malon, my mysterious horse loving ranch owner. Yes, she is so beautiful, and can sing like an angel. Why not? But then there's Talon and Ingo, so I don't want them to see me. No there must be a place with only females. But where? Now, whereas you and I are screaming at Kinky Linky to go to the Gerudo Valley, his mind, being a man, is a little slow. And when I say a little, I mean a little faster than a snail pace. He is sooo slow, a cabbage has a higher IQ. So after walking around hoping not to find any males, the idea eventually came to him of going to see the Gerudos.

He took off the kimono, so he could ride around safely on Epona without anyone or anything seeing him as irresistible. Being a lazy man, he called for Epona, who quickly came, and took him to the Gerudo Valley. Linky dismounted and ventured onwards to find his ideal brides, the Gerudo Queens. By this time, they had settled their dispute, and were waiting for their messenger to come and deliver their next TV Awards questionnaire. This waiting game was very dull and they were very excited when the Gerudo fortress burglar alarm sounded at the arrival of Linky, at the moment, not wearing his beautiful flowery kimono. Being a race of thieves, they thought it only prudent to have a state of the art security system, which they bought from a very attractive bleached-blonde salesman, who gave them a great discount. The siren was deafeningly loud and of an ear piercing pitch, which often rendered non-Gerudos unconscious. Unfortunately, the security system was so hi tech, that even a fly could set it off, and did, regularly. That is why, if a Gerudo catches you, she will often be very hostile, as they are always annoyed by the constant sirens. Usually the siren is switched off very quickly. The Queens trained some thieves especially, so they could switch it off very rapidly in a non-emergency. However, the alarm had sounded for ten minutes, so the Queens left their home of the Spirit Temple and made their way quickly to the Gerudo fortress.

Linky was a source of much amusement (as the Gerudo often mocked his girly tunics and the fact that he was a man). He had not known the Gerudo long but he had already decided, that he could not live with them as a member. This was because all the Gerudos did all day was stand around, guarding their fortress, talking about their periods, what parts of their bodies they would change, Buffy and mocking men. Linky quickly discovered that he did not have their complete respect, which he assumed he would have, until he realised that women were cleverer than men. This was a very painful discovery, as he had always had a pride in his intelligence, although no-one really knew why, and he assumed that every woman should be instantly attracted to him. He soon realised that not all the women were as desperate as Ruto, in fact none of the other women were as desperate as Ruto. Linky did not take this fact well. However, this time he had come to the Gerudos armed. His weapon was not a new shiny sword, or a super long longlonglonglonglongshot. His weapon was his kimono, which would transform him into Kinky Linky, whose only special power, apart from his incompetence and stupidity, was his attractiveness to, well everyone. He knew that he would have a chance with the women this time. Maybe they wouldn�t attack him upon seeing him. He was right. They didn�t attack him. They did, however set off the alarm to summon the Queens.

Nazbooru and Izbooru, on arriving at the fortress, demanded that the annoying alarm be switched off. This was done with great speed and efficiency, but then what do you expect in a land of women? Laziness? Well, maybe. Anyway, when they saw Linky, they were very pleased. At last, something to talk about. They huddled, pretending to be discussing what they would do with him, but really talking about the last time they met and fought him. After five minutes, during which Linky had been sweating like a pig, they ordered that Linky be taken to the Spirit Temple. The Gerudos then led Linky away, following the majestic Queens, as they made their way through the desert. During the journey they discussed what to do with him. Nazbooru pointed out that he was blonde and asked Izbooru if she liked him. Izbooru replied that the man she loved was not a natural blonde, with huge pointy ears and girly tunics. Nazbooru agreed that perhaps Spike did have the edge on Linky and definitely looked better in his manly clothes unlike Linky�s wankerwear. They wondered what Linky would look like in Xander�s Hawaiian shirt, and agreed that it was not a nice image. Perhaps Linky would look more, well cool, in the long black leather look.

They reached the Desert Colossus without having decided what to do with Linky, and so ordered that he should be forced to sit for an hour and listen to the owl that always hung around, literally, with its rotatable head and ears almost as large as Linky�s. They thought that was an adequate punishment for dragging them all the way across the desert and back. But what next? By the time the hour was up, Linky was fast asleep and snoring incredibly loudly. The Queens went to wake him up. The first thing Linky did was to put on his kimono. He would become Kinky Linky. He did so. The transformation was rapid, and he expected the Queens to immediately shower him with kisses and fighting over him. He was deeply disappointed. His appeal obviously did not work on these powerful Queens. They gave him a look of disgust, wearing a fish�s satin kimono with pretty pink flowers on. They then asked him where he got it from, what range of colours it came in and if it came in their sizes. As he did not know, and the answers displeased the Queens, they ordered that he removed it. He did so. He made a mental note to go and kill Ruto, or kill the poor man who would marry her. Her stupid idea had not only failed to work, it made the Hero of Time look like a complete idiot. Nazbooru took the kimono, followed by jealous Izbooru demanding that she have it, and Nazbooru snatching it back. During the following snatching session, Linky made a run for it. He left the Queens arguing over the piece of beautiful cloth, which was worth it, albeit smelly (the fish smell just refused to come out). Eventually Kezbooru, the royal tailor, was called in, to take the material and make some pyjamas out of it. Nazbooru would have the trouser legs and Izbooru would have the top, and make it into one of her famous motto t-shirts, with the phrase "bond girls do it best" emblazoned on the front. The Queens were very happy, although it took several hours for them to argue what the motto on the garment should be. They decided on something they both agreed to, the fact that they were bond girls and they were the best.

Finally, to the Queens� delight the next TV Awards questionnaire arrived, and they were faced with another tough question, "Who is the greatest character in Buffy?" They knew this would be an all-nighter and sat down on their grand thrones to decide who it was. In the morning, after agreeing to disagree, they thought the best thing to do, apart from have a civil war and split the valley into two, was to buy two copies of the questionnaire, so they wouldn�t have to argue. They did decide that that way was much less fun, as they enjoyed the affectionate arguing.

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Last edited 04:39 13/07/01 by Izbooru.